Do people who work with you feel "used?"

Many years ago, I worked on an intense project with a colleague. We met almost daily, and spent countless hours discussing behind closed doors.

Yet by the end of the project, I didn't feel like I had much of a working relationship with this colleague. Camaraderie was minimal.

Something just felt off. But I didn't know how to articulate it at the time.

It wasn't until many years later that I finally realized why, and found the words for it.

It was because I was on the receiving end of a highly transactional working relationship.

On transactional behavior at work

When we think about what makes someone enjoyable to work with, we tend to think of the obvious things. Sharp, hard-working, friendly... the list goes on.

But one of the most underrated traits? It's the ability to NOT be transactional.

Because while few people intentionally set out to be transactional – actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately, there are little things we do unknowingly that rub people the wrong way.

And we end up silently sabotaging ourselves without knowing.

While there are many examples of transactional behavior at work, they tend to boil down to 3 buckets:

1. Treating interactions as one-off games
2. Never offering unsolicited value
3. Failing to close the loop

And in today's issue, we'll talk about specific examples – and what we can do to watch out for these pitfalls.

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Pitfall #1: Treating interactions as one-off games

Few people are transactional in a deliberate sense, i.e. they don't just show up to work trying to identify who they can take advantage of.

Instead, being transactional is often simply a result of forgetting that your track record matters. You forget that you're playing repeated games, and you end up only optimizing for the here and now.

So while rarely malicious, this transactional mentality can then manifest itself in many ways. For instance...

...Overselling

Overselling occurs when you exaggerate the upside or urgency of something in order to get your way ("We need to invest in XYZ right away, because there is incredible upside!!!").

It may not seem transactional in the moment – but it is. You forget that you're gambling with your future credibility,

It's not that you can never push the envelope or advocate with conviction. But you just need to think about what's at stake.

...Withholding information

Being transactional isn't just about exaggerating. The sin of omission – e.g. withholding context and not being transparent – is equally damning.

For example, imagine that you're preparing a strategy document for leadership, and you're looking to sharpen your work by including a specific datapoint. So you turn to a certain data analyst for help.

You could simply state the facts, e.g. –

"I'm working on a document for our leadership, and it is intended to influence their go/no-go decision on Project X. This datapoint will help prove the argument, and I'd deeply appreciate your support."

While everything you've said is factual, you've missed an opportunity to be fully transparent.

Because perhaps all you really needed was a directional, good-to-have piece of evidence – yet you've led the analyst to believe that this is the crux of your work.

(And they might end up spending hours and hours on your ask.)

But consider how much more considerate you could be, if you also supplied the following context:

"...for context, there is already general alignment on this topic, so just having directional evidence would more than suffice. Also, do note also that datapoints for the top 5 partners are most critical for leadership; if needed, we can simply prioritize that subset first.

This could literally be the difference between the analyst spending 1 hour or 1 day working on your ask.

But when you're short-sighted? You withhold this context, because it works against your own interests. Because you'd rather have more data than less. Because you'd rather get prioritized than not.

It's not malicious – but it's selfish and transactional.

And while operating in such a way may get you immediate outcomes – good luck in the future.

...Defaulting to coercion, and not persuasion

Here's a true story: I once had a discussion with a colleague, where I ended up pushing back on a rather trivial task.

Surprisingly, instead of offering to discuss further – my colleague then suggested that if I was unwilling to take on the task, he could escalate the issue to both our managers.

I was taken aback. While I do not believe the person intended it as a threat – it did come off as rather short-sighted.

Because instead of spending time to have a constructive debate with me? My colleague decided that it was more effective to play the "our managers can hear about this" card.

He chose coercion over persuasion.

And you know what? Playing that card was effective. Because I did give in, as I decided that this was not worth our managers' time – nor was it productive for our working relationship going forward.

But from that point onwards: I also found it much harder to give this colleague the benefit of the doubt.

Pitfall #2: Never offering unsolicited value

Being transactional isn't just about how your engage others when you need something from them.

It's also about how you act when you don't need anything from them.

Becaues the truth is this: most people only come knocking on others' doors when they need help. And when they don't need anything – they simply don't engage.

While there's nothing egregiously wrong about this – it tends to make other people feel "used."

(We all know that one person who messages us for a favor out of the blue, disappears, only to reappear with another ask a year later...)

Look, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. And you don't need to preempt things by doing favors for everybody else, before you feel justified in calling in a few for yourself.

But you have to remember: the more you can make offering unsolicited value a reflex – the easier you make your own life in the future.

For instance, some of the best operators I know do things like:

• Bias towards sharing context and intel with others, when they think it can help others do their job better (even if unsolicited)
• Go the extra mile even when they didn't have to (e.g. instead of sending someone a raw data pull, they clean up the data and come up with preliminary hypotheses for the other person)
• Operate with scale in mind, e.g. they build materials or processes that others can easily "steal with pride" and lift and shift – even if this means it slows themselves down in the process

And when it comes time for them to knock on other people's doors? People reciprocate.

(Related read: I talk about how the best operators create value for others by "connecting the dots")

Pitfall #3: Failing to close the loop

There's nothing wrong with asking for help. But there is an issue with failing to "close the loop," i.e. letting others who helped you along the way know what ended up happening.

Because when people lending a helping hand? They're not necessarily looking to get "paid back." Instead, they're simply hoping that their efforts made a difference.

But it is surprising how many people call in a favor ("Could you refer me for this position?") or ask for help ("Could you pull this data for me?"), say thank you – and then just disappear.

Closing the loop is not hard. But it does take time to turn it into a reflex.

For example:

• After asking someone for data support: Share how that data was used, what business outcomes it achieved, and why you're thankful for their efforts.
• After picking someone's brain on something: Share what insights helped you the most, what actions you ended up taking as a result, and what outcomes it helped deliver

In fact, I've been in situations where I poured my heart and soul into a piece of work (for somebody else), only for the content to never see the light of day.

But in those situations? There are people who proactively "close the loop" with me. These people acknowledge the situation, apologize for the wasted effort, and explain what they could've done better.

Then there are people who simply move on.

(And I instantly know who I would choose to work again in the future.)

Of course, you're not obligated to do any of these things. But this attention to detail is what separates the best operators from the rest.

And it pays immense dividends for yourself in the long run.

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